Enormous Life Plans

Everything is changing.

Again.
(I should really be getting used to that, I guess.)


So many ideas have been banging around in my little head. Like the fog has lifted in these last few months. All this time in isolation has resulted in flashes, the start of something. Ideas.
Future?

I've toyed with this idea of going back to school to get a PhD. It's a lovely dream idea, but I don't have the clarity around where to start. What topic? How could I possibly consider studying and having time commitments as a single mother?  Hmmm, maybe not quite yet.

So.... it's time to explore something else.

My brain has been fried. There are thoughts pinging off the sides and banging into each other. It's intense. Confusing. I start considering one part and remember other items that I need to . It's hard to keep up. I'll start with a list. Not necessarily in order.

1. Investments, current savings
2. Citizenship - what do I do with my current US status? It's a whole other post.
3. Job - I like the security, but I want to do more with it. Future for international schools, hopefully. (Can I do what without my US citizenship?) Rural and remote Australia? Yes. Okay, let's learn more about that one.
4. My kids.
My favourite stressful topic.
They should have a childhood that is an experience. Not just the humdrum, home, school regular push of society and ... so regular. No. I want them to have more than that.

So here's my chance. They're at good ages. I can make the decisions and they're coming with me. It's time to do something a bit more exciting. Terrifying, but interesting and - let's face it, if we don't do something then I am definitely going to regret it.

A plan is starting to form.
* Converted van. I can try that. It's learning and I like that idea. Lots. Design. Create. All of that.

* Take the kids and travel the country. I'd love to see the country. Taking two kids on my own is crazy, but like I said, I'd regret it if I didn't. 

* Explore rural and remote areas of Australia (as well as the higher traffic areas). Can I offer something to that population in terms of education? I have the design around individualising schooling and strategies, behaviour, a range of ages in primary. What could I do? Remote contracts, possibly, which would put me in a classroom. Offer special education services? Start an ABN and become a resource for distance education or home schoolers? What could I do through the government to make sure it's as helpful as possible. Lots of research to start there.
Whatever, I can handle research. Start somewhere.

If Cz is 4 and in his first year of school, and Ev is in Year 3, then they could (in theory) be enrolled in a school for a longer contract. This is totally do able.

Ideas.

Notes from the Hermitage

I have been a big fat hermit these last few weeks.

It's lovely.

I love my space. And still loving it. I think that I really, really like having my own space.

In fact, I can't imagine sharing it ever without feeling slightly uncomfortable. My home is clean. I don't have to worry about any one else's schedule, or meal preference, or making them feel suitably involved or included. I don't have to feel like I should initiate a conversation. It's so hard to switch "off" when someone else is in your house.

I like hosting, though, to a degree. Guests. Overnight visitors. Friends. But it still takes a lot of effort.
And then recovery.

Thinking now, part of me wonders if I should seek out a relationship that has a potential to last and be successful.
But, could I ever be happy with a relationship? Does that person exist where we can live together and I'm still allowed to rest and be on my own? If so, how can I find this person.

Lately, I've been "reading" (not really reading, it's an audio book because that is all that the library had) a book about an Asperger's man who is attempting to find a life partner.
And the rules that he requires sounds SO APPEALING!
If someone who needed rules could accept that my rules involve quiet time or alone time, that would be awesome.

Is it possible? Is it even worth being open to?


The au pair left for her new family last night and is off to Sydney. Back to the little 3 of us.
Another one will come later. After recovery from the last one.

First Grader

In other news,

my daughter is now in Year 1.
Six years old and I've been a mother for that long. Whoa.

To come full circle, she is now the same age as all those students I taught for all those years. It's strange. And it's beautiful. And she's so big and I'm having all these feelings and it's weird having these feelings because .... feelings.


There is no baby left in this kid. She is all kid now. She asked on Friday if she can take herself to the classroom without me even walking her in.
And I actually nearly teared up.
Why?

Because I'm proud. And it's noticing that she's getting older and this new phase of our relationship will never go back to the old one. The change is happening. I love this independence and it will make my life much easier, but it's also the death of another dynamic. And that's sad. It will never come back.

I mean, maybe it will and we could go back and forth. I'm just experiencing it now.

She also has her first wobbly tooth. Both of them actually, down bottom and central. She isn't overly fussed about wiggling them yet, so must not be that much.
She is reading like a champion. She nailed her first swimming lesson in over a year.

I love this kid. I'm glad she's independent and healthy and clever and usually pretty kind.
But there's no baby any more.

Budgets

I'm a bit of a dweeb when it comes to spreadsheets.

In that I love them to the point of obsessing (a bit)

I know I'm only working part time. I know I have a security blanket in a savings account that I have been taking advantage of.

I know that there have been some projects, some unnecessary shopping, some free flowing expenses for the sake of life's enjoyment.

But I've had a rude slap to the face this last week when I actually pulled it all apart.

I went to the point of listing all of my expenses from January. I even itemised them and put them into categories. These being:
House
Car
Groceries
Child Care
House Insurance
Utilities and Rates
Phone and Internet
Savings
Sports/Activities
Medical/Counselling
Misc

And here I go thinking that I've been living humbly. But as it turns out, I have not.
Over spending by my income by, literally, thousands of dollars.

The house insurance was a killer. New glasses. Bits and pieces and things and new tyres on the car and here we are.

The biggest one is the au pair, actually.

So in the last few days I have undergone a shift.

Abandoned the television package (save $30/month)
Cancelled the cleaner ($60/fortnight)
Stretched out our counselling appointments to 6 weeks.
Cancelled the local milk order (saving about $10/wk)
And applied for a government voucher to help with Ev's sports. ($150/yr)

Here's hoping.
Oh, and more tea, less wine.
Everyone can have goals, right?

PhD

Next topic.

Now that I have established the trifecta - perfect balance of work, family/home and self - I realised that this is ideal.

This part time work gig allows me to enjoy my kids.
And the balance of having another person to help with the house tasks allows the stress of daily life to ease.

So much ease. Another person with a helpful nature is the ultimate difference

But now, I've been able to sit back and reflect on my work.
I've always wanted to be a teacher. Ever since I sat down at my first grade desk and watched my first grade teacher from her side of the room, I wanted to be that person.

The goal of probably most teachers is to leave this beautiful lasting impression on our students. People who want to help and satisfy curiosity and learn how to make the world a slightly more enlightened place.


I don't feel that way anymore.
I am in a job where I don't feel respected or encouraged or like there is any way to do a good job.

Maybe I should move this think tank.
I like academia. I want to continue that journey of movement to enquiry.

I think I want to earn a PhD.
Begin the research.

Au Pair

Having an au pair is great.

Almost immediately, I could breathe.
There is another adult human to absorb the child energy. It feels like this massive shift. Someone can wash the dishes and  someone else can bath the kids at the same time!

She's lovely. It isn't the friendly relationship that I was a little worried about. It's a backpacker who has a comfortable and free place to stay, in exchange for a bit of help around the home and babysitting money. It's a nice, pleasant exchange.

The flexibility of being able to take one to a doctor appointment or jump out to the shops on my own has been such a relief. And, surprisingly, the ability to run again has really helped my mental state.

It still feels like a bit of limbo in life.
I had the epiphany while writing Christmas cards a couple weeks ago. I'm busy. Life is busy.
But the business is boring. I'm bored. It feels so meaningless.

I haven't felt meaningful in a long time. Despite having two kids and all the fixings in a safe, comfortable home, I want to be excited by my surroundings again.

So now I need to work out how to do that.

Dream

I had another dream about Austin last night. I've had a few lately and can only conclude that this is due to that EMDR stuff. It must be triggering.

I think his profile picture had changed. Something had happened and alerted that maybe he was still somewhere. Playing, moving, adventuring. Like he was stuck on his own, far away from society where there were rapids and boats and sun and a gross need for survival skills.

The picture had changed to be photoshopped with our son in his arms. As though he wanted to look like he was holding him up and Chas' face was pasted on. So where would Austin have gotten this picture unless if he was interested?

And I called, because in dreamland this is logical, and had a hard time remembering his phone number. Rang twice and he answered.

I cried. Hard. Which, I guess would be expected.
The overwhelming relief of hearing his voice alive surprised me the most.